Should You Snoop Through Your Teen's Phone?
As a psychotherapist, I get parents asking me this question all the time. Parenting in the digital age is nuanced - you can know where your kid is at all times with Life365, but they also have the entire internet in the palm of their hands. What used to be landline calls in your bedroom are now nonstop texting, snapping, and posting. The hours spent biking around the neighborhood are now hours spent on TikTok.
As kids grow up, they increasingly seek independence and privacy from their parents. I often hear parents looking through their kids' phones to get a sense of what’s going on in their world. Feeling boxed out by their kid and using it to gain some insight.
To answer the question, should parents snoop through their kid’s phone? My short answer is no. Your relationship with your teen is your strongest asset. Going behind their back to look at their phone, will break their trust and ice you out further.
Unsurprisingly, research shows teens and parents have different views on rights to privacy on their digital devices. Teens tend to consider text messages as one of the most personal and private forms of communication. Eight out of ten teens found it “unethical” for parents to look at their text messages (Cranor, et al., 2014).
However, I strongly believe teens need parental supervision with tech use. I recommend parents set clear expectations regarding parental supervision and oversight of their tech use. Be prepared, this will likely be met with your teen’s defense mechanisms.
Despite your protesting teen, parental monitoring is correlated with reduced risky and delinquent behavior (Schwarz-Torres, et al., 2025). Furthermore, when done tactfully, parental monitoring can increase mutual trust and open communication. “Adolescents preferred when parents included them in the process of deciding how to mediate technology.” (Vaterlaus, et al., 2014)
When opening up this conversation with your teen, try this script:
“Having a cell phone is a big responsibility and gives you a lot of freedom and independence. On the flip side, it poses inherent risk. To make sure it is being used appropriately I will be conducting cell phone checks on your device. I have some ideas on how that might look, but I’d like to hear yours first.”
As a parent, here are some best practices and things to consider when inviting in conversations about technology and social media.
Invite your child to be a part of the conversation - ask them for recommendations, best practices, etc. Remember, your teen likely knows more about technology and the various applications than you do.
Communicate your reasons for parental control and oversight - emphasizing safety and responsibility over control.
Take on an “innocent until proven guilty” mentality. Embark on this conversation with the hope of collaborating on safety and using it as a way to help your teen garner more independence.
Saying “yes” to one aspect of tech, is not the same as access to everything. It is recommended to hold off social media until at least 13 or 14 years old. However, it could be helpful to be able to text and call with your kid before that.
Use parental control applications to monitor time spent on the phone or specific applications. Review search histories, explore pages on social media and screen time features. Consider monitoring apps below:
Apple Parental Controls: https://support.apple.com/en-us/105121
Google Parental Controls: https://safety.google/families/parental-supervision/
Microsoft Family Safety: https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/microsoft-365/family-safety
Qustodio: https://www.qustodio.com/en/
Have clear rules on how the device should be used and content that can be accessed. Discuss what apps can and cannot be used.
Have clear expectations regarding if they are allowed to purchase items (e.g. apps, clothes, amazon, starbucks, etc.)
An article more tailored to social media is coming up next. Stay tuned. If you have any questions, feel encouraged to reach me at christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com.
Yours In Services,
Christina King, LMFT 145704
Citations:
Cranor, L. F., Durity, A. L., Marsh, A., & Ur, B. (2014). {Parents’} and {Teens’} Perspectives on Privacy In a {Technology-Filled} World. In 10th Symposium On Usable Privacy and Security (SOUPS 2014) (pp. 19-35).
Schwarz-Torres, John C., Isabella S. Davis, Makayla A. Thornburg, Herry Patel, Isabel R. Aks, Susan F. Tapert, Sandra A. Brown, and William E. Pelham III. "How can clinicians improve parental monitoring of adolescents? A content review of manualized interventions." Evidence-Based Practice in Child and Adolescent Mental Health 10, no. 1 (2025): 162-174.
Vaterlaus, J. M., Beckert, T. E., Tulane, S., & Bird, C. V. (2014). “They always ask what I'm doing and who I'm talking to”: Parental mediation of adolescent interactive technology use. Marriage & Family Review, 50(8), 691-713.