Is My Daughter a “High Achieving Hailey?”

You have a high school daughter, she is goal-directed and constantly pushing herself to be better. She excels in school, taking AP and IB courses, involved in Model United Nations, and on varsity sports. She has her sights set on top universities and is studying for the ACT / SAT. With all this on her plate, she somehow manages to have good friends and be socially adept with adults. 

As a parent, you are amazed and proud of her responsibility and drive. Her teachers and coaches give glowing reports. Her friends’ parents are impressed. But here’s what she doesn’t want you to know. 

Her drive is motivated by a fear of failing. The voice in her head that pushes her to do better can be mean - comparing her to her peers and telling her that she’s not good enough. She struggles to ask for help as it feels like she’s letting herself down. 

She started drinking coffee and staying up late just to fit everything in. She sets her alarm at 5 am just to have a couple hours to herself before school. You want her to relax and not be so hard on herself, but she feels she’ll get behind if she does.

You love her unconditionally, yet she’s terrified to disappoint you. She has meltdowns when she feels stressed and out of control. That one bad test score sends her down a spiral. It shocks you because it feels so outsized. 

If this sounds like your daughter, here’s how you can help her. Shift the conversation from her being a performer, to being a whole person. Redefine success, not just as trophies and accolades, but as balance and sustainability. Make the conversation more long term - school isn’t about one test or one grade, but rather about being a lifelong learner. Help prevent her from overscheduling herself. 

If it feels like she could use some more people on her team, therapy can help. A therapist will work with her on feeling good enough and not needing to prove her worth. She will help your daughter turn that mean voice in her head into a compassionate coach. A therapist will help her find coping skills to manage the stress and anxiety that comes with high standards. She will help your daughter feel confident in herself and not compare herself to others.  

If you are interested in seeking a therapist for your daughter, feel free to reach out to learn more about my services - christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com

Yours In Service, 

Christina King, LMFT 145704