Why Are Girls Mean?

In previous articles, I’ve written about how to manage and prevent mean behavior. But then, I got to thinking why are girls mean in the first place?? 

So per usual, I turned to the research. The research showed three main themes around why tweens are mean to each other: fear of social abandonment, involving someone else during conflict, and a negative perception of women (Crothers, 2010). 

That third one really took me back. We speak so much about the impact of misogyny and seeing it play out in young girls shows us that you’re never too young to be impacted by these constructs.

Breaking down each of these themes, let’s first take a look at fear of social abandonment. Girls can engage in socially aggressive behavior in an attempt to make others jealous, climb the social ladder, or entertain themselves. It is an attempt to have control over others by making other girls feel insecure about their place in the group, thus securing their role in the group.   

In a round about way, it’s self protection. Group inclusion is incredibly important to girls. A girl might become aggressive to prevent herself from becoming the next victim of aggression. It can also be a “proactive” form of self defense because not all girls will stoop to that level, therefore becoming “untouchable.” Unfortunately this behavior gets reinforced because other girls are more likely to side with the aggressor, rather than stand up to them. 

Next, the indirect and socially aggressive strategy of using a third person (aka triangulation.) This highlights the long held belief that girls (and women) are not allowed to be mad, it’s not “ladylike” to confront someone.  So they rope in another person to gain allyship, vent / process the event with a more objective person, or maintain their anonymity by being indirect.

If girls are not allowed to be mad, taught it’s “mature” to let things go, then how are they supposed to learn to stand up for themselves? There are absolutely times when it’s appropriate to let something go, but anger is a signal our boundaries are being pushed. And I’d say that’s a signal worth listening to. Teaching girls to listen to anger and giving them the skills of assertiveness is vital to overcoming mean behavior. 

Lastly, we’re getting into how girls have negative fews of fellow girls. Girls reported seeing their fellow ladies as catty, judgemental, jealous, devious, untrustworthy, defensive, backstabbing, and manipulative (Kibler, 2005). So let’s just pause and read those attributes again…

If the girlworld is filled with these negative beliefs about OURSELVES, how can we expect our girls to act any other way? If these are our beliefs about one another, then why would we want to try to patch things up and be vulnerable? Our girls are caught in between being starved for connection, but believing that others are unsafe.     

I don’t say any of this to excuse or ignore mean behavior. Aggression in all forms needs to be nipped in the bud. Research shows negative psychological and social outcomes for both aggressors and victims of social aggression (Neal, 2007). 

I say this because we need to start having deeper conversations about what’s really going on. Not pointing the finger and blaming others, but collectively working towards a kinder, softer, and safer landscape for our girls. 

If you are looking to spend a day connecting with your teenage daughter, come join us at our Mother + Daughter Retreats. This is a one-day experience expertly designed to strengthen communication, carefully crafted to deepen trust, and built to become a lifelong memory.  

Choose Connection Today.

Yours In Service, 

Christina King, LMFT 145704  

Resources: 

Crothers, L.M., Field, J.E., & Kolbert, J.B. (2010). Navigating power, control, and being nice: Aggression in adolescent girls’ friendships. Journal of Counseling & Development, 83(3), 349-354.

Kibler, E.A. (2005). Social aggression in pre-adolescent females: A guide for school counselors. Educational Specialists. 95. 

Neal, J.W. (2007). Why social networks matter: A structural approach to the study of relational aggression in middle childhood and adolescence. Child Youth Care Forum, 36, 195-211.