As Parents, How Do You Handle Mean Behavior?

When children age, physical aggression wanes and social aggression increases during early adolescence. As a parent, you can feel helpless watching your child navigate the shifting landscape and never ending drama that ensues. 

Inevitably, I get the same question over and over again. “How do I handle this as a parent?” So per usual, I turned to the research to see what are the best interventions to deal with this issue. 

To my surprise, I couldn’t find much on this. I came across parenting styles contributing to social aggression, school-based interventions, online aggression, and risk factors for physical aggression and antisocial behavior. 

But nothing about what’s the “right” approach to handle this as a parent… on either side. 

So using my knowledge, I’ve decided to use the three C’s framework: curiosity, connection, correction.  

So if you’re kid on the giving side of mean behavior, they are excluding, gossiping, spreading rumors, ect. We want to start by getting really curious about what’s going on. You might start the conversation by saying: 

“I noticed Melissa wasn’t invited over for the study group. I want to understand what’s happening here because it surprised me.” (curiosity) 

Start with their side, what instigated this, what they were hoping to achieve, or what their goal was. Often times, they are are retaliating and reacting to something they felt offended by. Validate and empathize with what they are thinking about. (connection)

Then, we can flip it into “and how do you think Melissa took that?” (correction)

Assume the best in your child. We are going to stay away from identifying with this incident. Your child is not a “mean girl” or a “bully,” but rather made an error. Try saying something like: 

“Excluding Melissa on purpose can be really hurtful and I don’t imagine you are intending to hurt her. Why don’t you sit down and have a conversation with her?” 

If you are being met with defensiveness and blaming, you can set a firm boundary by saying: 

“Even if you are hurt, we do not intentionally exclude people. I expect you to hold yourself to a higher standard or have a conversation with her when you are ready.”

So let’s pivot, what if your daughter is on the receiving end of social aggression? Initially, please review some of my other articles like this, this, and this.

But one of the most common things parents bump up against is not just how to support their teen, but when do you need to step in and intervene? 

Initially, if it gets to a point of bullying, then I highly recommend speaking with school officials directly. If you are uncertain if it qualifies as bullying, check out this flyer.

If it’s not at this level, talk to your teen. Once again using the three C’s: curiosity, connection, correction. 

Ask a bunch of questions about what happened and the impact on them. (curiosity)

Validate, validate, validate. Now is not the time to jump into perspective taking or ask what they might have done to contribute to this. Just sit with their feelings until they are ready to jump into problem solving mode. (connection)

Once your teen is in problem solving mode, check to see who they can hang out, how they can expand their group either inside or outside the school. Potentially role play some scenarios and how your daughter might stand up for herself.  (correction)

Then, ask how they want you to be involved. Understandably, parents are ready to jump in and defend their kiddo. I find teens often resist parent involvement due to potential backlash. Listen to them. 

Teens understand the social dynamics way more than parents do and when they foresee backlash, they’ve often seen it happen or experienced it before. And by overstepping their request, you are sending the message that their boundaries are not worth listening to. In your attempt to defend them, you are teaching your kid how others are allowed to treat them, so even when you disagree with them, they deserve your respect. 

Parents often want to address it with the other person’s parents. I have mixed feelings on this. 

I’m going to be very honest and tell you that I have not seen this work out positively, yet. As a therapist, I imagine I tend to hear more about when things go wrong so my data set might be a bit skewed. 

What I most often hear is that the other parent is resistant to discussing it, returning responsibilities onto the kids, or denying the behavior / defending their kiddos behavior. 

The closer you are to the parent/family the more likely the conversation will be met with listening and understanding. On the flip side, teen conflict can also turn into parent conflict. It’s natural to feel disappointed and hurt in a friend’s lack of intervention when these situations happen. I’ve seen decades long friendships end over this. 

I also don’t mean to talk you out of it, sometimes you feel called to defend your kid and try to work things out with the parent. If you do choose to speak with the other parent, I will invite a shift of intention. 

The intention is not to change the behavior, but to stand up for your kid and say your piece. As a reminder, I encourage you to get your kid’s approval on this first. 

Above all else, the relationship with your teen is the number one priority. You get to be angry and protective over your kid, but let them take the lead. You can encourage them to seek new friends, get involved with new activities, or find positive outlets to buffer against this behavior. 

To nurture that relationship with your daughter, you are invited to our Mother + Daughter Retreats. This is a one-day experience expertly designed to strengthen communication, carefully crafted to deepen trust, and built to become a lifelong memory.

Pause. Reflect. Connect.

Yours In Service, 

Christina King, LMFT 145704