Do Strict Parents Raise Sneaky Teens?

I remember discussing this “philosophical” question when I was a teenager. And some things don’t change, I frequently hear teens raise this question. Luckily, some researchers were curious about how parenting influences teen’s behaviors and here’s what they found. 

In the 1960’s, Diana Baumrind was a pioneer in researching parenting styles' impact on child development. “Parenting styles” refers to the philosophy and attitudes parents hold on raising their children. Baumrind’s work, combined with Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin, uncovered the four main parenting styles we use today - authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and indifferent or neglectful. These four styles are put on a continuum measuring levels of demandingness versus responsiveness. 

Authoritarian parenting consists of high demandingness and low warmth (Diamond, et. al., 2021). When teens reference “strict parents”, I imagine they are talking about this parenting style. This style of parenting places a high emphasis on rules and can disregard the child’s emotional needs (Cox, et. al., 2011).  Parents are in charge with little room for collaboration or meeting in the middle. Authoritarian says, “because I said so.” 

Authoritarian parenting style is linked with higher rates of depression, poor social skills, and low self-esteem in adolescents (Hancock Hoskins, 2014). 

Permissive parenting consists of low demandingness and high responsiveness (Diamond, et. al., 2021). This style of parenting places a high emphasis on a child's needs with low emphasis on age-appropriate demands (Cox, et. al., 2011). Rules are often not enforced and the child’s emotional state is in charge. Parents place an emphasis on avoiding conflict with their teen. Permissive says, “whatever makes you happy.” 

Permissive parenting style is associated with higher rates of school misbehavior, substance use, and externalizing behaviors - aggression, bullying, impulsivity, and rule breaking (Hancock Hoskins, 2014). 

Indifferent or neglectful parenting consists of low demandingness and low warmth (Diamond, et. al., 2021). This parenting style can be passive, absent, uninterested, or has competing priorities. They provide little emotional support and low expectations to complete age appropriate demands (Cox, et. al., 2011). Uninvolved says, “it’s on you.”  

Neglectful parenting style is associated with higher levels of antisocial behavior - vandalism, theft, assault, drug and alcohol use. Furthermore, children are at higher risk for depression and low self esteem (Hancock Hoskins, 2014).

Authoritative parenting consists of both high demandingness and high responsiveness (Diamond, et. al., 2021; Cox, et. al., 2011). This parenting style balances high demands with high attunement. Conversations feel democratic, flexible, while holding firm limits. Authoritative says, “let’s figure this out together.” 

Authoritative parenting style is less prone to externalizing behaviors -  aggression, bullying, impulsivity, and rule-breaking (Hancock Hoskins, 2014). Authoritative parenting is associated with higher self esteem, academic achievement, and stronger social relationships. 

All of this to say, the research does not indicate that strict parenting breads sneaky kids. However, this myth speaks to some truth - the quality of the parent-child relationship can either be a protective factor or a risk factor for risky behavior.

So how do parents practice authoritative parenting and create a strong relationship with our teen? 

Before I start, I want to remind you that there are so many ways to get it right! This isn’t about perfection, but rather continuing to be consistent and reliable - even when it’s messy and hard. 

Some attributes of authoritative parenting consist of parental warmth, emotional support, interest and involvement in their life, encouragement, acceptance, respect and empathy. Instead of just dropping them off at their trumpet lesson, try being excited about their favorite trumpet player’s new album. Maybe turn on your kid’s favorite re-run show after they flunked a test. Save the inspiring “you can do better” speech for when they are less upset and more willing to hear feedback. 

Furthermore, teens respond well to clear and predictable routines, expectations, and rules. Hold your teen to a high standard and help them be accountable for correcting their mistakes. The emphasis is less on punishment for punishment sake, and more on natural consequences of their choices. 

For example, if they forgot about a test and ask you to pick them up from school - don’t pick them up from school.  Let them experience the natural consequences of their decisions. 

This predictability goes further than what time you leave for school in the morning, but extends to how strict or lenient you are with curfew. In other words, mean what you say. 

If you say you are going to take their phone away if they have missing school assignments - take their phone away. Feel encouraged to listen to your kid’s side of the story, but still correct their behavior. This sense of predictability builds security, teaches boundaries and behavior regulation, and builds trust and respect. 

Finally, parents can encourage autonomy and independence by providing age appropriate problem solving and decision making. Have them help out around the house, take little bro to practice when they get their license, or run to the store to grab some eggs. 

Teenagers are learning and growing, let them come up with their own solutions and let them see it through. You are always there if they ask for help, but let them take a swing! The only way they will learn how to do the laundry is by actually doing their laundry, even if they mix whites and darks. 

This is just a quick snippet and far from an exhaustive list of parenting styles and techniques. You know your kid best and you are always learning how to be the parent they can rely on. The teen years can be tough, but you got this!  

If you are looking for a therapist, please reach out to me at christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com.

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Yours In Service, 

Christina King, LMFT 145704  

Citations: 

Cox, M.J., Wang, F., & Gustafsson, H.C. (2011). Family organization and adolescent development. Encyclopedia of Adolescence. 

Diamond, G., Kodish, T., Krauthamer Ewing, E.S., Hunt, Q.A., & Russon, J. (2021). Family process: Risk, protective and treatment factors for youth at risk for suicide. Aggression and Violent Behavior. 

Hancock Hoskins, D. (2014). Consequences of parenting on adolescent outcomes. Societies, 4(3), 506-531.