No Excuses, Own Your Actions
A theme that has been coming up in conflict is deflecting responsibility. Both kids and adults will often try to shift blame onto others rather than owning their actions. For example, a student might blame a poor grade on their science teacher or insist it wasn’t their “fault” when a classmate gets accidentally hit in the head with a basketball. My guess is, you know these lines well, “It’s not my fault,” “they made me do it,” “I didn’t mean to,” - and fill in the rest!
And I completely understand - often, kids are reacting to something in their environment, and from their perspective, their behavior feels justified. The first step is understanding cause and effect. The cause is the reason something happened. Whereas the effect is the result of what happened.
I take a moment to acknowledge what caused them to break the rules, and focus on the effect of their choices. Now we move into step 2, having them own their part. I like to use the metaphor of keeping their side of the street clean.
Imagine your neighborhood, filled with homes and sidewalks. You’re responsible for your house, your yard, and the section of the sidewalk in front of your property. So when you step outside with your morning coffee and notice a piece of trash on your lawn, are you going to throw it away or throw it on your neighbor's lawn?
Whether or not you were the one who left it there, it’s on your lawn - so now it’s your responsibility. You’re not expected to clean the entire block, but you are responsible for your part.
I will often use this metaphor when kids are trying to squirm out of consequences with explanations. I’ll share with them the metaphor and ask “so, what’s on your side of the street?”
If they continue doubling or tripling down on their excuses, I’ll gently remind them, “That sounds like it’s on someone else’s lawn or sidewalk.” Then, come back to them owning their part.
Step 3 is about finding a way to make things right. Whether you’re failing science or accidentally hit a classmate with a basketball, the question is: how do you turn it around? This step involves identifying your choices and talking through the causes and effects of those choices.
If you have any questions, please feel encouraged to reach out christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com.
Yours In Service,
Christina King, LMFT 145704