T.A.L.K. – Helping Kids with Conflict Resolution

“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.” - Josh Grayson

As a therapist, I often find myself having similar conversations with kids of all ages - struggling with friends. Naturally, I dove into the research on friendships and I was inundated with information: personal traits, how to make friends, defining what makes a ‘good friend.’ But I kept coming back to one piece - how conflict is handled.

I found myself wondering about the impact of conflict on satisfaction levels in relationships. At what point do the fights and disagreements outweigh the good parts? Thankfully, Bagwell and Schmidt (2011) did some digging on this topic. They learned that younger children have a lower tolerance for conflict, with satisfaction being tied to the absence of conflict. In contrast, adolescents are more capable of holding both positive and negative experiences within a friendship - close connections can coexist with conflict.  

Disagreements can happen fast. One moment it’s fun and games; the next, a line is crossed, emotions ramp up, and both people say or do something that makes things worse. Uh-oh, now what? How do we repair this?  

In general, these developmental years are a crucial time to build the skills to become well-adjusted adults. To support this growth, we should focus on teaching these key skills that contribute to effective conflict resolution (Jones, 2004): 

• Increasing perspective taking 

• Taking a look at the problem from the other person’s point of view, understanding social norms 

• Increasing problem solving abilities

• Taking accountability, setting goals, negotiating, collaborating, compromising 

• Improving emotional awareness and emotional management 

• Learning to identify and communicate emotions, and respecting other peoples’ feelings 

• Reducing aggressive orientations and hostile attributions

• Managing frustration and anger 

• Increasing use of constructive conflict behaviors in schools, at home, and in community  

But, let’s break things down a little bit more. I created the acronym T.A.L.K to help you with the 1, 2, 3’s and give you practical steps in helping your child with friend fights: 

1. Take Some Space 

• Give yourself and your friend a moment to calm down, sort through your emotions, and figure out what’s truly bothering you - or decide if it’s something that will blow over 

2. Act Kindly 

• It can be tempting to say every mean thought that comes to mind - but resist the urge. Words can’t be “unsaid” or “taken back.” Speaking out of anger may permanently damage the relationship and make reconciliation much more difficult. 

3. Leave People Out 

   • When a disagreement happens, it can be tempting to want to talk to your friends about it. The desire to seek support when you are upset is natural -  but involving other people will make it bigger and harder to resolve. Plus it can make your friends feel like they have to pick sides. 

   • If you feel the need to talk to someone, confide in someone outside the friend group - maybe a parent, sibling, therapist, or friend at a different school.

4. Know Your Options  

   • Start fresh: When you’re ready, take the high road and reach out to your friend to apologize and forgive. Own your part - no matter how big or small - and make an effort to start fresh. Clean up your side of the street and open the door to healing.  

   • Walk away: Your final option is to walk away. It’s okay to step back if you find yourself constantly clashing with a particular friend - even after you’ve addressed it - or if you feel like you’re being picked on. Walking away can be difficult, but you deserve friends who treat you with kindness and respect. 

Friend fights happen, but what happens after that shows you who your real friends are. Trust is built through rupture and repair!

If you have any questions, please feel encouraged to reach out christina@christinakingfamilytherapy.com. 

Yours In Service, 

Christina King, LMFT 145704

Citations: 

Bagwell, C.L., & Schmidt, M.E. (2011). Friendships in childhood and adolescence. The Guilford Press. 

Jones, T.S. (2004). Conflict resolution education: The field, the findings, the future. Conflict Resol. Q., 22, 233.