What Peer Pressure Actually Is
As a teen therapist, I spend my days talking to middle school and high school students. I hear their inner thoughts, the stressors, the friend drama, and most importantly, the risks. I watch children, because yes teens are still children, grapple and attempt to navigate adult level risk.
Growing up, I was taught peer pressure was your friends shoving a beer in your face and calling you a loser if you didn’t have a sip. It was the idea that you would be socially oscillated if you said no or abstained from risky behavior.
As I got into high school and risky behavior came around more frequently, I noticed this NEVER happened. In fact, the opposite, friends would be supportive and encouraging when I said no. The irony was that this experience, to my teenage brain, completely invalidated the concept of peer pressure.
It actually reinforced the idea that adults were out of touch and didn’t know what they were talking about. Teenage logic at its finest. So as I got older the question became, what does peer pressure actually look like?
I define peer pressure as the desensitization and normalization of behaviors, particularly risky behaviors. It is the changing belief of what is considered “normal.” So if you’re in a group of friends where drinking, smoking, sex, etc. is happening, it will start to feel normal and acceptable.
They say you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So when your teen is hanging with a group more involved with risky behaviors - it feels like “everyone is doing it.” These risky behaviors get rewarded and reinforced - furthering the belief it is “normal” and acceptable.
Let’s look at drinking, for example. On a chemical level, alcohol enhances the effects of GABA and releases dopamine (among other things). With the enhanced effects of GABA, one will feel more calm and relaxed. Then, dopamine gives you that flood of feel good chemicals of pleasure and reward, motivating you to do it again.
On a social level, the negative consequences often do not present themselves the first go around. A teenager wakes up the morning after a party feeling good, not addicted, no DUI, not suspended or expelled, and continuing with their sports team. Long-short, they had an awesome time and nothing went wrong.
In this example, they learned that alcohol feels good, gave them a novel experience (which the teenage brain craves), and bad things didn’t happen. Now, their changing belief that alcohol is fun and their parents are overreacting.
So, to help our youth navigate peer pressure and risks, we need to start changing the narrative on what it actually looks like. As adults, the more we perpetuate this outdated belief on peer pressure, the more we invalidate our very valid argument.
Talk to your kid as an equal and acknowledge they will start to be introduced to adult activities and risky behavior. Speak to why one might be interested in drinking (or drugs, sex, etc). Then remind them of the science and help them come up with a plan on how they might deal with it when it comes up. Emphasizing safety over control.
This is not a one and done conversation. Having this conversation in bite size chunks can help prevent your teen from tuning you out. Remember to leave the door open to have conversations for when questions arise!
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Yours In Service,
Christina King, LMFT 145704